As the year comes to an end, I realize that I ran into a lot of dead ends this past year. The year was full of missed opportunities. Every opportunity that presented itself in front of me, somehow managed to disappear faster than it arrived. For some reason, I kept second guessing myself all year-long. Which is not like me. Not sure what is happening, but as I sit her typing, drinking tea and eating left over Christmas cookies that my grandma made (from scratch) – I have to wonder, what am I afraid of? What is keeping me from achieving what I want? Why did I miss or let go of those opportunities? What is holding me back from jumping over those last few hurdles?
Career wise, I understand that I am in a bit of a transition period and trying to make something happen. Maybe since I am trying to move into a new career direction, I am spreading myself too thin, wasting time on unnecessary things or just spinning my wheels, and that’s not very productive. I need to reset my focus and my goals for this new year.
Now, in the relationship department, I’d like to be pregnant by my 40th birthday, after all my clock is a ticking away. No, I don’t have a man in my life, if that’s what you’re wondering. And I don’t want to get pregnant just to get pregnant, even though I’ve considered it and reached out to current and ex-lovers to see if they would be willing to give me sperm. A few said they would. One even said, he’d help me raise it. But let’s be real, if I wanted him to help me raise it, I would’ve stayed with him. Right?
Besides, at the end of the day, I want the whole package – the husband and the kids. The only problem is that the C word scares me so much that I always run away when a relationship looks like it’s heading down that path. I purposely mess up any chances I might have because of that C word, I am terrified of any and all types of commitments. They give me an instant panic attack. I can’t even make a doctor’s appointment more than a day or two in advance or make plans with my girlfriends; I am such a fly by the seat of my pants kind of girl. Who knows what she wants and when she wants it. I don’t like wasting time and I have absolutely zero patience. Which is why random hook ups work out perfectly. However, because I am turning 40, I kind of want some form of normalcy in my life. At least, I think I do. I mean, the idea sounds like it would be fun, having structure in my life. Jeez! I can’t believe I typing this. But, fifteen years has passed by and I haven’t even thought of how or when I was going to settle down. And I think part of that is because of the lack of structure in my life. My career as a freelancer is kind of all over the place so it seems like it makes total sense to me. I clearly, ‘live in the moment’ a little too much. And now, “Once in a Lifetime” by the Talking Heads plays on repeat in my head. Always asking, “well how did I get here?” Single and kidless at 40 with no future husband in sight. OMG! HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?
I could blame ex-boyfriends but it really takes two to tango and everyone who knows me, knows I’m only into emotionally unavailable men. Moving forward, I need to actually start dating men, not be afraid to say yes to something more than the horizontal mambo if I want to see a change in my lifestyle. I need to figure out what it is that’s holding me back. I have some serious evaluating to do over the next couple of days. I need to think about what it is that I want to conquer in this new year, what I want my 40th year on this planet to look like. OMG! Every time I type 40, my chest starts to cave in.
Not gonna lie. I want to have a few drinks first but I know that that is part of the problem. I have to earn those drinks. See you after some serious self-reflection.