I already broke one of my resolutions!

I did exactly what I didn’t want to do. Ugh!

Three days in and I broke my focus, resolutions, goals…all of it! I kind of had to hook up with an ex though. I mean why would I turn down the best sex of my life; can’t I just restart my resolutions again tomorrow?

US Map

On New Year’s Day, I received a text message from Jared, a handsome hipster type that I just simply cannot resist! And trust me, I’ve tried!! Almost a decade ago, Jared and I met and sort of dated for a brief moment while we were working together in Chicago. After our job ended, he flew back to his coast (D.C. area) and I flew back to mine (L.A. area) and whenever the stars align, we keep each other company. And last night, the stars aligned and it was amazing!

Anyone who’s single and been single for almost a decade, like me… knows how lonely things can get. I don’t think my married friends really understand what it’s like. So when Jared messaged me, “I’m coming into town for a project and my place won’t be ready the first night. Can I crash with you?” My intentions where good, I told him, “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” But then over the course of the next two days, he convinced me to let him to crash on my couch and we both agreed to no funny business.

A side note about Jared and I – See our relationship is not like a wham bam thank you ma’am kind of thing. We text pretty regularly. Sometimes to check in on each other and sometimes we sext. As strange as it sounds, he in a weird way is like my go-to person. I can ask him anything and everything, even dating advice and he’s been the only person that has sincerely checked in on me through out my mom’s passing. She passed a little over a year ago and it’s been extremely difficult for me, I’ve never felt so lonely and most of my “friends” have gone become MIA. He’s been there for me throughout some of my darkest moments. Which is why, I gave in to letting him crash on my place.

Jared arrived to my beach apartment and messaged me, “I’m here.” I buzzed him up, opened the door and the moment we locked eyes, we knew we set ourselves up for failure. And of course, we instantly gravitated towards each other. Greeted each other with a kiss on the lips and then wrapped our arms around each other for a nice long hug. Then we released from the hug and all physical contact, because let’s face it, we need to keep our hands off of each other if we don’t want any hanky panky. He started to settle in as he set his bags down, and then it happened. He looked up at me, grabbed my shoulders and our lips locked, again. It was intense, he was intense, so much passion. It felt like were recreating a scene out of an old 80s film. His hands moved up and down my torso, feeling every part of me as he worked his way up my sweater before he pulled me in even closer. I held him tight, then I ran both of my hands through his thick head of hair, pulling it in every direction. Ah, dang! I’ve missed him and I want him. I want him now.

Our tongues did the tango, while our feet began to salsa over towards the bedroom.  As he lifted my sweater up over my head, I put my arms up, pulled away and said, “let’s go eat.” His jaw dropped as I walked out of the bedroom.

Main Street in Santa Monica

We made our way down to Main Street and stumbled into Komodo. As he stared up at the menu trying to figure out what to order, I stood there admiring him. I was so excited! I couldn’t believe he was standing right there in front of me!! He’s so handsome and so not at all what I normally go after, although, I don’t really have a type. But I think he’s the only hipster I’ve bumped hips with. Anyways, we finally ordered, he followed suit and ordered the same tacos I did; we added their delicious truffle tater tots and two sangrias because it was happy hour. Funny thing is, the moment we ordered the drinks, we both looked at each other with the “not guilty” smirked as he inserted his debit card into the card reader. Because we all know what booze does… it makes it much harder to say no, right?

Over dinner, we caught up with each other’s lives and toasted to the New Year. Then I inquired a little more, come on, I’m a girl; I always want to know more. 😉 I asked how is son was doing. (Yes, he has a four-year old son back home plus some baggage, which why our relationship is what it is. Then he asked, “Are you dating anyone?” I said, “no.” Then I proceeded to tell him about my new requirements and he liked them but he reminded me that I shouldn’t let those requirements hold me back, just use them as guidelines. Which is a valid point.

As I popped a tot into my mouth, my phone buzzed. Jared looked over at my phone and saw the a text message from Ariel on the screen. So of course, he asked who Ariel was. I explained to him that Ariel was this kid that I met in a bar over Thanksgiving weekend, I gave him my number, not expecting anything to come of it but since then, he’s been texting me like crazy to watch football/Netflix and chill. Jared tried to convince me to give him a chance but I told him that hanging out with guys like Ariel is probably why I’m still single. Also, I wasn’t really into him anyways. Which is when he said, that’s perfect then, just hang out with him for fun. You see, I haven’t really dated very much and Jared knows this so he’s just trying to get me to get out there and get my feet wet. I see his point. I totally need to just put myself out there. It’s just scary and I don’t want to get hurt again. But Jared is right, I need to start looking at things with a different perspective. So, I told him I’d think about it and if he hits me up again then maybe, just maybe, I’d give him a chance.

Whiskey Cocktails

After eating one to many tater tots, we strolled down the street and stopped at the overpriced Rose Cafe for a nightcap. Which, let’s be real, we both knew that it wasn’t going to be just one. I kept ordering drinks because I didn’t want the night to end, I was really enjoying his company. Plus, it was really nice being out and about with man. But like all good things, the night had to end, so after a pretty good Whiskey buzz, he paid the tab and we walked back to my place.

Literally the second my apartment door opened, he grabbed me by my waist and pulled me into him. Our lips locked, our tongues swirled around each other’s. As lifted my sweater up over my head, his lips moved down my chest, onto my breast, kissing each one of them as he moved his hands down towards my jeans, he quickly unbuttoned them. He returned his lips to mine, we continued kissing. As we started to stumble towards my bedroom, I stepped out of my jeans and he threw his jacket on my living room floor. I ripped off his shirt and then I ran my hands through his lavish head of hair,  pulling him closer to me, he fell into me and we crashed onto the bed. I unbuttoned his pants, he quickly worked his way out of them. Our lips never leaving each other’s.

His hands started to caress my breasts, he unhooked my bra and his lips moved down my neck, kissing every inch and then he his lips landed at my left breast. He swirled his tongue around my left nipple, then gently nibbled on it, while he squeeze my right nipple with his fingers. I began to melt as his lips worked their way over to my right nipple; he played with it in his mouth. Teasing it, was he going to bite it? Ahhh… he did. Mmmm… he continued kissing my breast, working his way down my torso and then finally landing between my inner thighs. I sank into the bed and tried to relax but I was so excited. I’ve missed his routine and his touch.

Within a minute, I reached my first O, I tried to pull him up towards me but he wanted me to go again. Feeling selfish, I flipped around so we were both giving and receiving. Both lying on our sides, staring at each other’s genitals, I inserted his hard member into my mouth and wrapped my hand around his balls while he settled back in between my legs. He was growing and getting even harder while he was in my mouth. He moaned. I moaned. I quickly began to quiver. He flipped me onto my back, crawled up on top of me and inserted himself inside of me. His chest coming down to meet my chest, he kissed me and then he began thrusting deep inside of me. Not sure how he always seems to do this… but within a few minutes, I had my third O. He tried to contain himself but he couldn’t so he pulled out and released himself on my stomach. He kissed my leg, my main genital, my breast and then my lips before he crashed onto me. He slid over to “his” side of the bed, pulled me into his chest and held me tightly. We didn’t speak, we didn’t kiss, we didn’t look at each other, we just laid still and breathed.

Cuddle Time

Around 6am this morning, I opened my eyes and smiled, Jared’s arms were wrapped around me. My left hand met his forearm. Then he pulled my lower whole body into him, my lower half meeting his. I could feel all of his glory pressing up against my backside. He began kissing my neck, I turned my head towards him and we kissed. He inserted himself into me. And we went another round. This time, we switched it up and enjoyed a few more positions. I only had one O, but I was perfectly happy with that. He was happy too, because after we finished, he showered and sang the whole time he was in there. It was darn pretty cute. He even sang while he was putting his clothes back on.

Once he was dressed, he bent down to me gave me a little kiss and I couldn’t resist so I kept trying to pull him back into the bed as we kept kissing. But after a few kisses, he said, “I have to go.” He stood up, adjusted himself and headed off to work.

Lust or Love

Not knowing if or when I will see him again during his trip to LA. But I always feel so empty when he leaves. Not sure if it’s because of our history, because we never became anything or because we keep it open ended.

I love what we have, I do, but I know it has to end, for real. Right? I can’t keep feeling this emptiness is kicking in hard right now. I mean, he and I will never be. It is what it is, which is probably why it’s so intense because we both know we only have these little moments and that is probably why I am so into it, into him. Wait, I’m not in love with him, right? I love him for him, for being my friend and giving me the most amazing sex I’ve ever had, right? Perhaps it’s just lust. Maybe that explains the feeling of emptiness. That feeling I get when I feel like a junkie and he’s my addiction after we hang out. I need to find something to do to keep my mind off it, off of him.

Lust or Love,

A. Thea