Super bowl Sunday! Always a fun day, even when you have to work because it helps a really long day move along quickly.
Ever since my ski trip with Ariel, I’ve been working every day thankfully because keeping my mind focused on something other than him. I really enjoyed his company on our trip but at the end, I wanted more. And I could feel myself wanting to get greedy but I knew I couldn’t.
We’ve been texting a little bit here and there. But he’s flew into his college town all for Super Bowl weekend to hang with his old college buddies, apparently it’s an annual thing. Which I’m assuming that he’s definitely hooking up with some old flames. I know I can’t be jealous because we’re not a thing but also I don’t feel the jealous feelings, I feel the I’m not good enough for him feelings. These feelings aren’t the same, are they, jealousy vs not good enough? Or are they?
I don’t think it is, I think it just shows my insecurities and the problems I had growing up. See I grew up Catholic, and nothing was ever good enough for either of my grandmas, whom I spent a lot of time with. According to my therapist, I tend to gravitate towards people are make me feel like I’m not good enough, as a result to my upbringing. I guess it’s a security blanket that I have or need to have. I always I like when someone’s holding a string out in front of me and they keep pulling it away when I get too close.
Since Ariel has been away this weekend, he’s called me a few times to ask for help. He relaunched his soon to be company’s website yesterday, Sunday Bowl Sunday. I said no to helping his the first few times he asked but as you and I both know, he never takes no for an answer. And the not good enough, catholic guilt somehow took over, like it always does and I helped him. See I think Catholic guilt and Jewish guilt are almost the like same thing. So he knows how to get me to say yes.
So during my off hours, I helped him by editing his bio, his blog and the rest of his website pages. Sent them back to him so he could send them to his web developer and then that was it.
Then all day yesterday, during me working a 16 hour day, he was messaging me and telling me that I launched, asking which pics he should post in Instagram, what hashtags to use and tell me how many hits everything was getting. Which let’s be real, I don’t really care. I mean I should and I kind of do, but tell me that stats at the end of the day, just because it’s the Super Bowl doesn’t mean I need a play by play.
So after the game, he asked if he could come over when he got back and said I had to work some crazy days and we could connect mid week because we need to plan out trip to wine country and to SF for our dotcom type convention. Which he was really excited about and wanted to create and app or two with me.
I’m excited for our trip but I have a HUGE feelings I’m really gonna fall and get hurt. I’m only saying this because I’m developing he feelings that I always develop with a guy before I get hurt. Has anyone else ever experienced this? And if so, how did you prevent yourself from feeling this way?