Trying to learn how to set boundaries…

Well, this week did not go exactly as planned. Not that I had any pressing plans other than work, catching up on my life and seeing the new Fifty Shades of Grey film, I know, eye roll – how could I want to see that film. And as you can guess by now, I am love complicated men! Ha! However, most of my plans went out the door when Ariel decided to come over.

Ariel was back from his little boys weekend getaway. The getaway where he was calling and texting me to help him launch his site. And I was giving in until on Sunday when I set a boundary with him, he had me on speaker phone while he was hanging with the guys and I said, “why am I the one whose proof reading and revamping your website pages while you are out enjoying life? This is your company, if you cared, you’d be doing what I am doing.” And it worked. He understood that boundary. I was totally impressed with myself for setting it and I think I did because at the end of the day, this is going to be what it is. But as the week went on, my boundaries were tested more and more.

Tuesday night after work, Ariel texted me that he was coming over. Which was good! I was excited to see him. He arrived, I buzzed him in and he walked through my door carrying an overnight bag. I asked what was in the bag and he said, “You have off until Friday, so I figured I’d spend the next two nights here.” Um, excuse me?! Is what I was really thinking but instead, I just laughed because I didn’t think he was actually serious. Part of me was excited and honored he wanted to spend the next two days with me while the other part of me (the realistic) was like no way, I have way too much to do. So I let it all unfold how in front of me without steering it too much one way or another way, which was not a good test to me setting boundaries.

Fifty Shades Grey

He put his things down, we put some hot water on to make some tea and I cued the last Fifty Shades film up. Why? Because I got invited to a sneak preview of the new Fifty Shades that we were planning on attending the following night. Although, he only agreed to go with me if he liked the one we were about to watch. I told him he had a lot in common with the Mr. Grey character! Hahaha! He totally didn’t get it. But it’s kind of true, just in a different way. Also, that might have been a little mean but shit, a girl needs to speak her mind and this is something that Ariel let’s me do.

Well, as most of you know if you’ve seen the film, it’s not the best film – its super cheesy and I don’t think you full appreciate it unless you read all the books – like I did! Ariel stopped the film about half way through it, and asked if we could put on a quality film. I tried to get him to watch it for the Cinematography but that totally didn’t work. At which point, I think he started to question my taste in films. (Omg I was secretly dying laughing!) He then continued with, “there’s no way we are going to see the next film tomorrow. We need to watch quality films, not that.” Point taken and he’s kind of right. I guess this is more of a girl’s night out to the theater kind of film. Anyways, we watched a documentary and did our thing in the bedroom.

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In the morning, I had to go to the chiropractor, so I left Ariel in my bed. And I returned home with him in my bed, however, he was now sitting up in his PJs, wearing computer glasses and typing away – he totally set up shop in my bed. I couldn’t believe it, he literally planned on actually staying for two days if he packed this well, right? It was kind of cute but also making me wish I was twenty-eight so that this could maybe go somewhere, although if I was that young, I probably wouldn’t be in this same position. Knowing this moment won’t last forever and that this is a rare situation, I take advantage of it.

(Even there is anything I’ve learned about dating or life in general is that you don’t get any re-dos, so take advantage of moment when you have the chance too!)

Blueberry Muffin

While he worked on whatever it was that he was working on, I brewed some tea and cut up two blueberry muffins (his fave) that I picked up from Whole Foods and served him breakfast in bed. And he liked the little surprise of blueberry muffins. As we enjoyed our little picnic in the bed, he asked me about how he should draft up an email to inform his friends and family about his new website launch. Since he’s the one with the business degree, I find it very odd. So I gave him so ideas and then dismissed myself to go work on my own projects at my dining room table. I did, however, consider grabbing my laptop and joining him in my bed, but I realized that if I did that, I wouldn’t get any work done. But it was good. We worked like this all morning, when I needed help on an idea or something, I would pop into my bedroom to get his opinion – which he seemed to really enjoy because of the smile that he wore on his face when I left the room. Then when he had questions, I’d help him. It was really nice, I usually get super distracted and can’t focus if someone else is in my apartment but some how this was working. At least it was, until he decided to move his mobile office onto my dining room table.

Which was around lunch time. He walked out, set his laptop down and asked, on a more serious note, “are we going to develop some apps or just talk about it?” See the event we were planning on going to was all about developing apps so there was a point to him moving out to me. And he was right, we did need to talk about it and develop some ideas. We started brainstorming about apps and a few other business ideas we had been talking about. While I did some research, sourced some products and put together a few google doc he made a bunch of calls to set up wine tasting for us, booked an AirBnB for us in Santa Rosa. He was funny, he know that I dated an Italian a long time ago and that this Italian is a very successful sommelier in St. Mortiz and Italy so Ariel was totally trying to ask all the right questions and insisted that we visit biodynamic wine vineyards. Which was totally fine by me, I can’t stand most of California wines for this exact reason, the added sulfites and chemicals always make my stomach hurt and make me feel like I have a head cold the next day. I also loved listening to him do his thing because no American guys that I’ve ever “dated” took the lead on planning anything like this before, it was nice and he was totally scoring points with me.

We worked all afternoon. Then I ran back to the store, grabbed food for Ariel to make us dinner. Yes, he cooked dinner, also something no guy, at least not that I can recall, has ever done for me. I wanted to cook for him, but since he has some stomach issues, I didn’t want to be responsible for causing inflammation or pain to him. He wanted to make us a pasta dish, which totally impressed me because he actually knew how to make a sauce from scratch with fresh ingredients – he put his Persian Israeli twist on it, of course and it was delicious. We watched another vegan documentary while we ate, because he also wanted to shoot a documentary with me. He wants to create so much. And I love it but I just need him to realize that I also have my own things going on and that if he wants to create he needs to do more than just talk about it. He needs to start doing.

Once we got into bed, I tried to make a move on Ariel but he wasn’t having it. Odd, since I’m the one who does all the foreplay work – and yes, my hormones are crazy! They’ve always been on the super horny side. He looked at me and said, “Anneliese, we don’t have to have sex every night.” I was all, “yes we do!” What thirty year old guy isn’t looking to bang every day? I kind of took offense to this. I don’t think I’ve ever been shot down in the bedroom. I mean, what guy doesn’t want too? But then again, I’ve never met a more selfish person in the bedroom before either. So I went to sleep, or I tried too. Ariel woke me up because he was in so much pain, whatever he made wasn’t setting well in his stomach and he needed some weed to take off the edge. I tried to reach out to my local friends to see if I could get any but I couldn’t so he just tossed and turned all night. I felt kind of bad and now understood a little more about his health issues.

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The next day aka Thursday, he was feeling a lot better. I woke up, made us some hot water with lemon peel. We sipped on it and then I decided it would be a good idea to have morning sex! Which totally back fired on me. As I was busy going down on him, he was noticing – since it was daylight – my grey roots that I totally forgot about! This was one of the things I needed to take care of! Hahaha! Omg! I can’t believe he wanted until after we had sex and I was in my living to ask me, “so exactly how old are you again?” Yes, he still doesn’t know my age, I know that he might see my license this weekend while we are wine tasting but I still didn’t want to let the cat out of the bag. So I played it off, joked and brought him more tea. Clearly, he saw my grey roots!!

Blueberry Donut

I made him sprouted spelt vegan blueberry pancakes – sounds super yummy right? Ha! They actually were. We cruised down to Abbott Kenney mid day because he wanted vegan donuts from a donut shop he liked and we walked over to Blue Star to pick up some coffee. He always insists that we have the best ingredients and since I am a coffee drinking, which he’s not too happy about, he insisted that we go to Blue Star because they have the best beans and roasting process. And then he bought me a bag of their freshest, lights beans and we headed back to my place.

We worked all day on ideas and made more plans for our trip. We also talked about taking a ski trip to Utah, Wyoming and Sun Valley, since the Mountain Collective was good for all of these locations. And then he got a text from his dad and had to head out to meet him for dinner.

In all in all, I had a nice two days. It was kind of like a mini staycation/workcation. But I do realize that I need to learn to set more boundaries with him. I learn a lot from him, I think. However, he different tests the limits, expects a lot from me and is definitely used to getting his way. It’s really hard for me to convince him to see things from another way, although, I am learning I can change his mind, it just takes a lot of effort to do so. It’s almost like I need to present a case to him as to why he needs to see things from another perspective.

Rethinking about all of this and writing it down makes me realize that he is definitely in my life for a reason. And I will just wait it out to see exactly what that reason is and in the meantime, I’ll enjoy his company. That might sound mean but I’ve realized as we get older, we need to accept and not expect.

G’night-

A. Thea