I never knew falling in love would be so frustrating.

Today was supposed to be our last day in Jackson, as per our original plan, we were suppose to head to Sun Valley after skiing today but we decided that since the roads have been really bad and we didn’t ski Jackson yesterday, that we’d stay here one more night and then head back to Park City earlier than we were going too. Ariel did however ask if we could go to Yosemite since we were so close, but I informed him that it was closed for the winter.

Jackson Hole

I think he’s starting to get the hang of how I roll on my ski trips because he was up and at em this morning. As he got dressed this morning, he put on my long underwear, my ski pants, hat and goggles and then headed towards the bus stop. He was kind of quiet, not sure what his mind is being pre-occupied with but I’m just glad that he’s feeling well.

We arrived to the mountain, tossed our skis over our shoulders (he struggled a little but it was so adorbs – ugh it’s so cute how hard he tries) and walked over to the window for him to get his pass. I couldn’t stop smiling, he was trying to hard to look like the big man on campus. And I was super excited that his mind seemed to be more present now that we were at the mountain.

We put our skis on and went up our first lift up together since the mess that occurred at Snowbird. I was beyond excited! Skiing the mountain I’ve always dreamt of skiing on a blue bird day with a man who I was totally falling in love with! Ah!! Yes, I said it! And yes, I was. I knew there was no happy ending to this situation or relationship, whatever you want to call it. I realized that from this point on, I needed to enjoy the every moment we had together for the rest of this trip. And that we did, all morning long. We skied our hearts out, he followed me down every run. I tried to get him to go down first but he wouldn’t. Which I don’t understand why, because once I’d drop in and ski part way down the mountain. I’d stop on the side and look up to watch him so it’s not like I didn’t see him ski. Maybe he liked watching my butt or something, I don’t know.

Jackson Hole

An hour or so in, it started snowing at the top and he asked me to give him some pointers. I laughed and told him that might not be good idea because I didn’t want him to get offended. He assured me he wouldn’t and he was right. He’s the first person I’ve ever given any “tips” to, who didn’t get offended and actually put them to use. I honestly was so proud of him and impressed by his dedication. He had great form, he just needed to build his confidence so he could go faster. He was so cute! And his style of skiing actually reminded me of my mom. I know that sounds weird but I swear to gosh that if she were alive today and they skied down the mountain side by side, you wouldn’t be able to tell them apart. I honestly, truly believe my mom sent him into my life for a reason and his skiing style reminded me of this. I just needed to figure out what that reason was.

Four Seasons

But before I did, we headed in for lunch a little early to try to beat the lunch crowd. I knew Ariel would like the Four Seasons so we walked over to their indoor/outdoor restaurant, grabbed a table outside – yes, it was a little cold but it was so beautiful out and we were dressed in ski clothes so we grabbed a high top. He ordered a beer for us to split, followed by a handlebar pretzel and a quinoa burger vegan styled with his fave – sweet potato fries. It’s amazing to me how excited Bavarian styled pretzels make him. Every time he see them on a menu, his eyes light up and he gets little fidgety and says, “hey, do you want to split a Bavarian pretzel.” Hahaha! It’s the little moments like this that I love about him.

After eating too much food for lunch, seriously, my ski pants kept popping open, it was bad, we headed back out onto the mountain. I wanted to head over to the other side of the mountain, take him up the tram that’s the part I’ve been dying to ski. But when I asked him, he seemed hesitant and said, “I like what we’ve been doing, can we just keep skiing this?” See I am totally falling for him because I was actually okay with staying on the groomed blue runs on what was a powder day off the tram. I am in way too deep!! But he agreed we would ski it tomorrow.

We spent all afternoon skiing, telling stories on the chair lift and getting closer and closer each lift, physically and emotionally. There were so many times when I wanted to ski up to him and give him a kiss, or lean in on the chair lift and give him a kiss but I didn’t. I want to be rejected.

Around 2:30pm, we were both pretty exhausted and after a very long, awesome day on the mountain, we took the bus back into town.

We got back to town, changed, fed the kitty and then grabbed the kitty and headed out to drive around town for photo ops with her – yes, I’m a little crazy with my cat but she needed to get out and enjoy the sites too. I also made arrangements for her to get boarded while we skied tomorrow. Since we couldn’t exactly take her up the mountain with us.

While we drove around, we found a cute little juice shop – which we definitely needed!! Ariel got a juice while I got a hot turmeric drink and a juice for the morning. We headed back to the hotel, dropped the kitty and the car off. Ariel was craving the fish and chips we’d had the night before so we walked over to that restaurant for their après-ski aka happy hour aka my favorite thing to do after skiing all day!

We both ordered a glass of the wine that Ariel had picked out the night before then tried to order the fish and chips, only to find out they weren’t serving it. I guess it was a special they only ran on Tuesdays. We enjoyed our glass of wine. Ariel had been obsessed with the idea of trying out wild game while we were in Wyoming so he asked the bartender where he recommended. And of course, we weren’t really buying his suggestions so we walked around town investigating menus that were out on display.

Jackson

After walking around for literally forty-five minutes, we stumbled into I think, the oldest Inn in town, it was super old school and I liked it but I wasn’t sure Ariel was too excited! I think he just followed my lead. Then once we were sitting at the table, he took the lead by ordering a bottle of wine – which shocked me a little, this was the first time he’s ever done something like this. When it came time to order our meal, we both fell off the vegan friendly diet again… oops! I ordered and enjoyed the local trout while he finally got the bison he’d been wanting to try since we arrived. But halfway through our meal, we both regretted our decisions of falling off the vegan wheel. Not that the food was bad or anything, just that it really rich, and I think we both felt a little guilty about eating something that had eyes.

At least, that’s why I felt bad. Ariel was so quite during our meal. I wasn’t sure what was on his mind but he constantly kept asking me if everything was okay. He also seemed a little nervous. Wasn’t sure if it was because we were kind of outside our comfort zone, with this being the most romantic meal we had ever had. We’ve never actually sat down in a nice restaurant, ordered a bottle of wine and two expensive entrees. Maybe this was too much for him. Or maybe he wanted this. Did he want more or was I creating this in my head because the wine started to really hit me. And just then, I started to doubt myself and the situation.

During the rest of the dinner and evening, Ariel tried to be all cute and kind of romantic for one of the first time ever. I really wanted to roll with it, I kind of did. But all that doubt that was in my head at dinner was still in their, I didn’t know how to let it out. It started taking over, I guess this is why I shouldn’t drink so much. I feel like when I do I self sabotage myself. And that’s exactly what I did. I just had all these questions in my head and wondering why he’s hanging out with me and why are we on this trip if he doesn’t want more. And then I started thinking about how I behavior in the first part of this trip, the things I said, I literally have no filter on my feelings or emotions with him. I should but since this is still just for fun, I don’t control anything that I say. I need too though, especially now, now that I really truly started to fall for him. Now I need to practice and learn how to treat him the proper way, the problem is I just don’t know how too. I’m so use to hiding my feelings due to my past that this is all new territory for me.

Traveling Cats

After walking around town for a little bit after dinner, we headed back to the hotel, packed and fell asleep.

I know he was expected more, and I wanted more. I wanted him to finally grab me by the waist, pull me in and kiss me. I deserved this. However, I knew he wasn’t capable of it. How can I be in love with this?

Jackson

I tried to sleep I ponder and wonder what I should do.

Our trip had been pretty intense so far especially since this was our third trip in three weeks. And we’ve taken the most romantic trips – it’s crazy! Three dream styled trips. How was a girl not suppose to fall hard? I wondered if this was normal for him though. Did he always go on random trips with girls that he “hangs out with” or if this was different. I could tell that this past week, we’ve both frustrated each other a lot! And at moments where we shouldn’t be frustrated with each other but was that because we are both kind of stuck in the same predicament? Did we both want more? I know I did. And I know everything thinks I deserve more, and I do. I need more from him in terms of affection, bedroom stuff and well, that’s about it I think. But how do I enjoy the rest of the trip without falling in love with him anymore or not showing him how frustrated I am getting from this current arrangement?

A. Thea

PS: Again, sorry I am posting this later than I intended too. It’s just all really emotionally charged for me and hard to write about this.