Getting caught in an emotional storm and then in an actual snow storm.

It was our last day in what seemed to be Paradise. Ariel well, thanks the shot of Humira that he took two days ago. I was super excited and did my normal thing where I go get coffee from the front desk and when I returned Ariel was packing up and watching C-SPAN, yes you know that public affairs channel, he was watching it! As I started to get ready, I started to black out. I have this weird thing where sometimes I just black out. And when this happens I need salt, my cardiologist says, it’s because my body gets dehydrated and my heart rate drops and I faint. So I asked Ariel to go get me some from the front desk. He didn’t. He just looked at me like I was crazy. I was laying down in the bed, super sick, I felt like shit. I kept asking him to go get it and then finally after I bitched at him for like five minutes, he did. I swear he needs me to be a bitch for him to do anything. Not sure if that’s what he’s use to or what but it’s kind of annoying. Anyways, I eventually felt better, got dressed, we packed up the room and my kitty and headed out.

We swung by the juice shop to get the deposit back for Ariel’s bottle, I slammed my juice to return mine as well. Then we headed to the vet clinic that was going to board my kitty for the day while we went skiing. It was perfect, not sure how I thought the idea of boarding her the day before but it was perfect. Then Ariel and I drove out to mountain.

Originally he wanted to take the bus because it was cheaper but then it would take so much longer after and at this point in the vacation, I think he knows I’d rather spend a few more dollars than waste an hour or two. Plus, we had all of our luggage and computers in the car.  There is no way, I’d feel safe about leaving all of our items a car in town, the base of the ski mountain was much safer.

We parked, put our boots on at the car and walked up to the mountain. We both had to use the restroom so we headed straight for the Four Seasons, of course. And I was totally bummed, they didn’t have any free coffee or tea out., which I guess was best anyways, we had a mountain we had to ski.

The weather was beautiful, the snow was even better and the company, well, it was stellar. I had stars in my eyes and I was totally falling extremely hard for Ariel – it was not good! I wondered if I was actually falling for him or if it was more of a forbid love situation. If I wasn’t almost ten years older than him and if the whole me needing to be Persian Israeli or at least being Jewish wasn’t a factor, would I still be just as attracted to him? I didn’t and don’t think that is the case though. No one has ever made me skip a day of skiing, especially my ex-husband. I’d ditch him all the time on the mountain.

Ariel and I skied a few awesome runs before we found the most perfectly groomed one. It was awesome. I bombed the face of the run and he was hilarious, he’d get to the bottom and say, “why do you ski so fast? Are you just trying to show off?” That was a question he had asked me a few times this week. I laughed and said, “no, that’s just how I ski, but if you want me to go faster, I can.” He smiled. And I so wanted to lean and kiss him. So I leaned in, with no intention of kissing him, I just wanted to see what he would do. He squirmed. He was so uncomfortable and asked, “what are you doing?” I said, “nothing” as I skied away.

I knew that we couldn’t continue doing what we were doing so I did something I totally regret! On the next chair lift ride, he started talking about future plans, about the companies we wanted to create together and potentially buying property together.  He asked if I was down to travel to Europe last in the year, he had so many ideas for our future. It was great! And I loved the idea of all of it but I only wanted to move forward with all of it if we were partners, and I’m not talking just business partners. I wanted to tell him that but I feared he’d laugh and shoot me down. I knew in his eyes, or at least his family and friends eyes, there was no hope for us. So I said the worst thing I could’ve said right there in that moment and it clearly affected him and the rest of our day. I said, “Ariel, we don’t have to worry about any future plans because when we return back to LA, we, whatever this is, is over.”

His jaw dropped. He looked the other way. I’ll never forget that look he gave me before he turned away.  He looked so heart-broken, so confused, a little disgusted and lost. As we took the same run again, I bombed down the first half, he followed. Then I hit the last part and for some reason, I stopped and looked up at him skiing the flats. He was skiing so well and then all of sudden, he caught an edge and flew through the air. I was terrified as I watched him.

Ariel did two front somersaults before landing in the middle of a yard sale. At first he didn’t move, I began to panic, I yelled up to him and then I started the hundred yard hike up to him. I kept yelling his name. But he didn’t answer. Within the first twenty yards of my hike, a nice couple stopped, gathered his things, helped him up and put his skis back on. As they skied past me, I thanked them. Then he skied down to me. He was a little embarrassed and pretty shaken up. I felt so bad.

I asked if he was okay and he said his knee hurt. Thankfully, that was it! He took the biggest yard sale I’ve seen in while. I told I saw the whole fall and that his knee hurt because his knee hit his binding which is why his ski released mid-air. I asked if he was okay to continue skiing, he said yes.

As we took the chair lift back up, I felt his knee to see how swollen it was, I pressed around it and asked what hurt and what didn’t. I asked him if he heard a pop – which he didn’t (I asked this because usually when you tear your ACL you hear a pop). I looked back up to him and said, “I’m glad you’re okay.” Then he said, “I feel because of what you said. I couldn’t focus on skiing.” Aka he’s referring to when I said, “we’re done when we get back to LA.”

I inquired a little more and then he shut down. He turned his head and stopped speaking. Ugh! So frustrated with myself, why do I always self sabotage myself. I mean, did he think we had a future together? If he did, he’d give me more, right? Aka we’d kiss and his parents would first of all, know about me and the secondly, know that we were on trip together, right?

The rest of the lift ride was quiet. We attempted to take another run, until half way down, Ariel was in a lot of pain. We agreed that he should go in and ice it. So we skied in the Four Seasons, I helped him in and set him down in front of the fireplace. Got him water, tea and some ice. We elevated his knee, put an ice pack on it and I asked him one last time, if he wanted to go ski patrol but he didn’t. He was so worried it was going to cost him money. Ugh! I was tempted to just say, I’d pay for it but I didn’t.

Then I asked a very selfish question, I asked if he’d be mad if I kept skiing or if he wanted me to get the car so we could leave. He said I could keep skiing. Yay! Thanks Ariel!! Sorry I know – super selfish but all you skiers out there know there’s nothing selfish about me wanting to ski the rest of the day, he only had a bruised knee. And then Ariel’s young age shined because the moment I asked that is when he decided to start typing away on his phone. Laughing about messages his friends were sending. I was so annoyed. I kissed his forehead and headed out.

I skied a few of the runs that we skied and I missed him, I missed his presence so dang much. Which was so bizarre, I’ve been skiing with exes and my ex-husband and never ever, ever did I miss any of them like I missed Ariel. I don’t know why I felt this way about Ariel, why I was starting to rely on him so much, I needed to feel his presence at all times. Which is why I had to call it quits, I CANNOT develop stronger feelings than I already have for him. But I wanted to see him, check on him to make sure he was okay so I went back inside the Four Seasons.

He was fine, laughing away. Snapchatting friends, which was weird – he never talked about Snapchat until now. But I was happy to see that he was working on his company’s social media campaign and appeared to be in good spirits. Happy to see he was being productive. I headed back out to the mountain, this time over to the tram.

Skiing

I was beyond excited and super nervous as took the tram up to the top of Jackson Hole! Holy shit! I’ve been waiting for this moment since I was like 12 years old!

Tram

The mountain was huge and there were powder patches mixed with icy bumps mixed with tree stumps sticking out , it was all kind of a mess. I took what I thought might be a fun path. And it was but I missed skiing with someone. Dang you Ariel, why did you hurt yourself after I said we’re done when we return to LA? Actually his injury was partially my fault.

I skied that tram side of the mountain for two hours and it was heaven but man, did I get worked! I was exhausted!!!! I texted Ariel, “want me to get the car and come to you or do are you well enough to walk to the car if I carry your skis?” He said, “bring the car to me.” So I did. And the Four Seasons is the BEST! They literally were amazing, I think they may have thought we were staying there because they help me get Ariel to the car and got him another bag of ice while I grabbed his skis. It was the best hospitality we could’ve asked for.

Once Ariel was comfortable, we headed into to town to get the kitty. We both walked in to pick her up, and as I was looking at cat photos on the wall, they handed my kitty to Ariel and said, “here’s your daughter.” I laughed and said, “he’s not the dad, he’s more like her uncle.” And I only said that because of the look on his face when the receptionist called him the dad. He was shocked and kind of terrified and I didn’t want him to feel any pressure. Now, thinking back in it, I realize I shouldn’t have said anything.

We gassed up and headed towards Park City. And again, the beginning of the drive was nice and peaceful, we passed bison farms which we realized nothing about eating bison was all natural and wild. And now Ariel felt a little bad about eating it. Then about an hour or more into the drive, it started dumping heavy, and I mean heavy, snow. Thank gosh the sun was still out so we could kind of see where we were going. I say kind of because it was a white out. And for some reason, we took 89 rather than 191 and it was so scary, almost all downhill, or so that’s what I remember because I was terrified, there were cliffs on both sides of us. I was so afraid that we were going to slide off the road and down a cliff.

At one point a pick up truck was following us, and it made me so uncomfortable because I could tell they wanted to go around me but there was so much snow that it wasn’t safe, we were driving in the only plowed lane. So when it was safe, I pulled over to the side, waved them on and they pull along side of us to make sure we were okay.  That’ when I knew we definitely shouldn’t be driving through a huge nor storm in a tiny rental car that lacked four-wheel drive as well as snow chains. I continued on, driving crazy slow, using my lower gears rather than my brakes.

Again, we had zero cell phone reception but this time, we turned the radio onto AM listed  to the weather report and heard about some road closures but we had no idea if those road closures were going to affect us or not. I was so out of my element, and usually I love snow storms but I also have always had an atlas or paper map with me just in case of situations like this. I felt so unprepared and so terrified that we were going to get caught in a snow storm or drive off a cliff. Plus I was beyond emotional about the current situation with Ariel. Poor guy, I was kind of monster.

Eventually, and by eventually I’m talking like four hours later, we found a gas station. Thank gosh we fueled up on gas before we left Jackson or we would’ve been screwed. Ariel fueled us up, I got some tea, he pissed and I waited for him to get out before I went back to the car. While I waited for him, I started getting eyed up by a gross trucker, I was so creeped out. Then I over heard the trucker and the cashier talk about how the roads to Utah were closed. Ugh!! The trucker smiled at me as he walked out, I did NOT smile back. Then finally Ariel came out of the bathroom, we walked out to the car and I drove out of their as quickly and safely as I could.

I told Ariel what the trucker said about road closures. He suggested we get a hotel soon. Which I didn’t want to do and now that we finally had reception, he looked to see how far we had to go. And he was right, we needed to get a hotel before Park City because according to Waze, we weren’t going to be there until 2am. And if the trucker was right, we weren’t going to get there at all. We drove for a couple of more hours before Ariel found us a hotel in a small, weird town. The streets of the town were full of semis, they lined up the streets because the 80 West (into Utah) was closed. I was so bummed and afraid I wasn’t going to be able to ski the next morning.

We pulled up to a little motel, Ariel went inside. And I swear to gosh, I thought we were in a horror film. I was waiting for someone to come up to the car and kidnap me but thankfully that didn’t happen.

Scary Motel

He came back out to the car, and said the room was around back. Now this was really going to turn into a horror film. We pulled around back, unloaded what we needed. Started getting ready for bed. I walked down the hallway and filled a bag with some ice for Ariel.

The Shining

Then when I returned back to the room, he had rolled a joint but didn’t know where his lighter was. So typical of him! I’ve had to buy him three lighters already on this trip! And now I was on my way to get him a fourth!  I drove across the street, yes drove because there was no way I was walking through the long parking lot and across the street in a snow storm with god knows who running around this town of Evanston, Wyoming.  I walked into the very odd, creepy gas station, bought a lighter from a guy I swear was on meth and then headed straight back to the hotel. I did it all so quickly that I don’t even know if I took a breath.

Ariel smoked his joint, in one of the two beds that were in our room while I crawled into the other one. He looked over at me a little confused and I said, “we’re sleeping in this bed because it’s further from the door.” Yes, I was still creeped out. He then reminded me that he was injured and that needed to join him in his bed, so I did.

And we fell asleep. But before I did, I thought about the day…

…About what I said to him before he fell. I should’ve said, we need to talk or something that wasn’t as aggressive as “we’re done!” But now I think it’s too late and I totally ruined our trip. What’s the take on this from a guy’s perspective? Did I do the right thing? Do you think he actually genuinely likes me and we have a future together?

-A. Thea